I just had to reset my password to even get into this website because it’s been so many months since I’ve touched it. In fact, it’s been months since I’ve written at all, except for the random papers on biblical worldviews or Israel’s kings I’ve had for school. But that’s not the same type of writing…
It wasn’t until I was asked to write a blog post for my church’s site on serving that I realized how little I’ve written, and why.
Overall, I’m good. Though the upcoming Father’s Day weekend doesn’t exactly make me smile, I have healed so much in my grief from the loss of my dad. I can talk about him with a grin and laugh about stories of him and the times he was so funny or silly, especially with my girls. I can see pictures my siblings post on social media now without it knocking my breath away each time I open up an app and see him smiling at me again. I haven’t listened to his music that was so much a part of him yet, but then, Jimmy Buffet wasn’t exactly at the top of my playlist before he passed either ;).
But, I have realized this week that the part of me still grieving without me fully realizing, is the writing piece of me. The part of me that looks down deep and spills my heart out for other eyes to see. He was my number one supporter. Truly, he had his friend giving the eulogy at his funeral remind everyone there to buy my book! And it’s hard not to let go of a dream when the one who pushed that dream is gone.
We can compartmentalize so well..some of us better than others. We can smile and live and breathe, while another piece of us is wounded deeply. And it makes me wonder about other people in my life and what they have pushed down deep or given up on, even if for only a time. We’ve heard that time heals all wounds, but that’s only true if you let it. Because past left unprocessed is still the present. You carry it with you through each moment of each day.
The strangest part is that I think I could have gone my entire life without really writing again. I had decided to let this blog go and file away the project I worked on for months before Dad got worse. There was even an idea burning in my heart he actually started during our last really great conversation before he was no longer as lucid that I had let go of.
But God doesn’t want that for me. And giving up on the life God has for you because it hurts or is hard isn’t what He wants for you either. Personally, I have a terrible work ethic…ahem., but my dad was motivated and an intimidating person. He was like having my own person writing agent with wayyy too much authority and I couldn’t fire him. And I loved him for it.
Now, I have to put one foot in front of the other. Open my laptop and notebooks. and get to work. Because I have a calling that may not last forever, but while it does, I want to be responsible with it. What about you? What would require a lot of self-discipline and work, but deep down, you know you should get to it?
We don’t just let go of dreams because of deep wounds or tragedy, sometimes, we just get busy. Sometimes, the gets are just. that. loud. Anndd they have a thousand demands. Sometimes, we keep meaning to look into it, to work on it a bit, or get organized for it, but something else comes up and we trade off the important need for the immediate need. But you can do it. So can I. and we’ll slip and fail…months will pass again with me writing only what professors require of me, but that’s okay. It doesn’t have to be perfect…it only has to be started.